Doctor: “Are you involved in any dangerous sports?”
Husband: “Well sometimes I disagree with my wife.”
~Funny marriage memes
For every characteristic you don’t like about your spouse, there is another person out there ready to replace unsavory qualities you will also not like. In marriage, the rule of thumb is, that we can either stick to our spouse's defects or trade them for a new set with a new person. Overall, we chose our difficulty. The old married couple image may come to mind, where the couple who has been married for 60 + years, seem to regularly have a complaint or grumpy stare towards each other. But, somehow they made it and still have love and joy for one another. They stuck it out, learned to love each other despite their differences, and embraced each other for good and bad.
You may be asking, what helped these 60 + year marriages to survive? Having the tools and insight to tackle normal misunderstandings, can provide a relationship with a solid foundation to manage events that will test the love and commitment you have made to one another.
In a marriage, there are personality differences and there are dynamic issues. Personality differences are the ones that we need to learn to manage. John Gottman states that 65% of conflict in satisfied/happy marriages comes from personality differences. This means that even happy couples have some conflict about personality differences. These refer to things like one partner being an extrovert, the other an introvert, one being a planner, and the other spontaneous ... .We will address these in another blog.
In this blog, we will discuss 3 common areas couples have a conflict that affect the dynamic of the relationship and what to do about them to fix them.
Different communication styles
How you tend to express your distress or opinion will provide either healthy solutions, or increase the distressing emotions. Do you yell, slam doors, roll your eyes, cry, get in your partner’s face, leave? All to illustrate to your partner their wrong. If so, you may be blocking true deep understanding, and increasing the likelihood of creating resentment between you and your partner. Try the following steps to decrease resentment and increase understanding:
Take 5 (small but significant) minutes to yourself, and ask this question: ‘What am I mad at right now?’ This question is important because it lets you recognize, one, that at times, our anger or hurt, is a lot more than what just happened (for example, long-time issues of mistrust, stress at work, family issues with parents or kids, etc). If we are able to honestly give ourselves these small but significant 5 minutes to take deep breathes and question what the emotion is really about, we can also plausibly avoid turning our partner away, and instead, share with him or her about other issues that we need their emotional support with.
If during your 5-minute reflection, you feel clear it is about your partner’s action/behavior, then, use the “I statement” to express your feelings and how you would like his or her emotional support. For example, “I feel sad/alone/not seen/unimportant/angry/rejected when you turn away from me. Feeling sad then leads me to feel tired, or like I want to run away. Feeling tired creates doubts about our relationship and I want to feel strong about it, not doubtful. What I need from you is just to listen and hold my hand as we work through it.”
Take the time to practice “I” statements. The rule of thumb is when we can express our feelings with “I” rather than “You,” we create a space that allows our partner to be interested in our world, instead of believing they need to defend themselves (from “You” statements). Defensiveness stops your partner from supporting you because they are busy protecting themselves from what may be interpreted as blame or accusations.
2. Unclear Expectations
How well do you and your partner know about one another’s expectations in the relationship? Many expectations may live in our minds, but not talked about between the two. Expectations can range from: roles, finances, parenting, domestic responsibilities, travel, dreams/aspirations and how we expect our partner to play a part, work, family time, being accessible to one another each day, romance (who plays the romantic and who is the recipient), and so forth. If we hold expectations in our daydreams but do not share with our partner our imagery, misunderstandings will take their place instead.
Using the “I” statements, take a moment to share your world with your partner. At times, we do not share because it may feel awkward, or we may fear that our partner will reject our expectations. All relationships require some level of trust and faith in their value. If we are to know the real value of a partnership, part is risking the expression of what is valuable to us individually, and in return giving our partner the opportunity to be that expectation, as best they can. And, what will also be a compromise so that their expectations are met as well.
Ask your partner about their expectations. What do they daydream about in all the categories listed above? How do they envision they will be supported by you? Unless we take the risk of sharing our special and important expectations, we leave it all to chance. Therefore maintaining ongoing misunderstandings, that overtime becomes deep conflicts and even greater problems that will become more costly and time-consuming to repair. Avoid that gridlock traffic by taking the chance to share your expectations.
3. Emotional Baggage
Everyone has a past. Everyone’s past affects their present relationship. In effect,
influencing how we show up in our relationships for better or worse. What about
your past is an emotional baggage that needs nurturance and healing? Is it an
issue that requires your partner’s support, or is it an issue that contains a need
for private reflection and self-care? Sometimes it’s a little bit of both. Becoming clear about your emotional baggage provides immense capacity for a deeper bond and unity in your partnership.
Give yourself a quiet special moment (15 - 20 minutes) to reflect on your life, and make a list of the persons you believe have made an impact in your life that feels negative, hurtful, and heavy. Next to each name, write out the incidents, events, or dynamics that caused such distress. Next to this, add the specific thoughts and feelings you have about it.
Make a decision about which person you feel ready to do some deep soul-searching. What are steps you can take to find healing and peace for yourself? I.e., therapy, prayer, exercise, journaling, creative outlets, outdoor walks, confiding in a trusted friend -or partner, self-care, forgiveness.
Don’t give up! Stick to it. Either with professional support, friendship support, self-care tools, or whatever seems appropriate for your healing, keep on doing it, even if it’s 5 minutes in your day or a weekend activity.
Baggage does not have to be permanent. You are valuable. And you have what it takes to free yourself from that weight.
When you’re ready, sharing some of this history with your partner can be helpful. This information provides understanding of one another, as well, as the opportunity to create ways to protect each other’s emotions.
Misunderstandings can be humorous or exhausting. Yet, when given enough time and encouragement, they can turn into wonderful opportunities for you and your partner to deeply bond and become one another’s greatest allies. You got this!
For more tips, please check out our other tips here (add link: https://www.plantationcounseling.com/blog). You can always find us at 954-903-1676 for counseling services.
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