From Playground to Partnership: How Childhood Influences Your Love Life

‘Sorry, my abandonment issues have everything to do with you.’ ~Anxious Attachment

‘Life is full of disappointment and I just added you to the list.’ ~Avoidant Attachment

Jennifer and Ashley are sisters three years apart in age. Jennifer is the eldest. In her teenage years, Jennifer was popular and always seemed to have a boyfriend. Her popularity kept her from having to face the reality of her parents' dysfunctional marriage. She spent most of her time in her room, reading books, talking on the phone (landline) with her boyfriend, and friends, and more importantly, trying her best to become invisible so that her parents left her alone. Ashley was bright, sensitive, and had an emotional nature that required lots of nurturance. Both sisters deeply resented their parents, and both grew up afraid of real love. The idea that their parents' marriage is an example of healthy love is laughable to them.

Jennifer, now 34 years old, has been married for 7 years. She believes her husband loves her -enough. In her therapy sessions, she cries and can’t seem to sit still because she is overly concerned about saying the wrong thing, and thinks she needs to be likable so that the therapist sees her as a valuable person to help. Jennifer anxiously attaches to anyone she genuinely likes. She is a people pleaser. When on vacation, she takes on the tasks of planning all the excursions, despite her dream to simply unwind. Jennifer secretly wishes her husband would take the lead, and encourage her to relax. But he never does. On her days off, she cares for her ailing father and tries to downplay the hurt she feels when he praises her younger sister’s independent lifestyle that isn’t bogged down in a marriage with kids. Her father overlooks praising Jennifer’s accomplishments as a successful chef and caring parent. But, her need to feel loved and “good enough” as a daughter, influences her to stay silent, as she swallows the lump in her throat to keep herself from falling into pieces. 

When spending time with her husband, she feels similar fears. She feels empty, has mood swings, and believes she is always last in her book. When she reaches out to him during work hours, and he does not answer right away, she immediately begins to worry. This pattern continues throughout the day. Jennifer feels crazy, but she can’t help it. She needs to hear from him (text or call) so that her nerves can relax and the fear of abandonment subsides. During evening hours, her husband spends hours engaged in various hobbies, all of which Jennifer takes no interest in. He insists his hobbies allow him to unwind and rebuffs her pleas to spend quality time. Deep inside, she lives in constant uncertainty. The uncertainty that she will remain enough for him to stay. The fear that someone out there is better than her. And will take his love away. Jennifer is an anxious attacher. 

Ashley has been dating non committedly for several years, maybe more if you count college. At the age of 31, she enjoys her freedom, finds men needy, and is annoyed by the way they fall for her too soon. She thinks women and men are emotionally weak, too demanding of others' time, just to feel like they are enough. Ashley believes that her emotional strength keeps her from being a fool in love. She has dated two men separately, each on an on-and-off basis for about 5 years. The pattern is as follows. She seeks the comfort of said person and enjoys the thrill of rekindling the flame after several days or weeks in which they do not speak. During this time, the thrill is brief, and she lives her days dreaming of the future. The future in which she will “one day  live my real life.” What is not obvious to the naked eye, is that Ashley is a romantic who deeply longs for a happy life that includes the white picket fence. But she is terrified of allowing a man to truly love her. Her father was reclusive and although he was present as a provider, he rarely took the time to engage with her or her sister. Her mother spent her time catering to her father’s needs, afraid he would leave her for someone more exciting. And, did not seem to notice that Ashley longed for comfort in understanding life’s confusing nuances growing up. Ashely learned that she could not trust her vulnerable feelings and sensitivities with anyone. Not even her older sister, who also ignored Ashley -always in her room talking to friends and pretending she was an only child. Ashley intellectualizes, overanalyzes, and lives in a paralyzed state that blocks taking a chance at trusting another with her heart; while her white picket fence stays in the distant future. Ashely is an avoidant attacher. 

Jennifer and Ashley’s stories describe attachments. You might be wondering what attachment is. Attachment theory, developed by psychologist John Bowlby and later expanded by Mary Ainsworth, suggests that the way we bond with our caregivers in early life influences how we form emotional bonds as adults. If those early relationships were marked by inconsistency, abuse, neglect, or emotional unavailability, we may develop insecure attachment styles—such as anxious or avoidant. It is important to note that the severity of the attachment style varies based on the severity of the childhood experiences. 

What Is Anxious Attachment?

People with an anxious attachment style often crave closeness and fear abandonment. They may become overly preoccupied with their partner’s availability and approval and struggle with self-worth in relationships.

Common Signs of Anxious Attachment:

• Fear that your partner will leave you, even without a clear reason

• Constant need for reassurance

• Feeling “too much” or emotionally intense in relationships

• Difficulty trusting that love is secure and lasting

• Overanalyzing texts, conversations, or time apart

• Merging quickly in new relationships

Anxious attachment often stems from inconsistent caregiving—when love or attention was sometimes available and sometimes withdrawn.

What Is Avoidant Attachment?

Individuals with an avoidant attachment style value independence and often struggle with emotional intimacy. They may pull away when things get too close or feel overwhelmed by too much emotional need from a partner.

Common Signs of Avoidant Attachment:

• Discomfort with closeness or vulnerability

• A strong need for independence and space

• Shutting down or withdrawing during conflict

• Difficulty expressing emotions or needs

• Feeling smothered or trapped in relationships

• Idealizing being single or emotionally detached

Avoidant attachment often develops when a child’s emotional needs were dismissed, minimized, or discouraged—teaching them that it’s safer to be self-reliant than emotionally connected.

Can You Change Your Attachment Style?

Yes. While attachment patterns can run deep, they are not permanent. Through self-awareness, healing, and intentional practice, both anxious and avoidant individuals can move toward a secure attachment—the ability to love and be loved in a healthy, balanced, and emotionally safe way.

Healing Anxious Attachment: Tips for Becoming More Secure

If you have an anxious attachment style, the goal is to build a stronger sense of internal safety, reduce dependence on external validation, and develop emotional regulation. Here’s how:

1. Learn to Self-Soothe

When anxiety strikes (e.g., your partner doesn’t respond to a text), practice calming yourself without immediately seeking reassurance.

• Try deep breathing or mindfulness meditation

• Remind yourself of facts: “They might be busy, not abandoning me.”

• Keep a grounding object or journal to track emotional patterns

  
  

2. Develop a Stronger Sense of Self

Invest in your own identity outside the relationship. The more solid your self-worth, the less you’ll rely on a partner to feel okay.

• Pursue personal goals and hobbies

• Nurture friendships and support networks

• Practice positive affirmations and self-compassion

  
  

3. Communicate Your Needs Clearly (Without Over-Attaching)

It’s okay to want closeness—but how you ask for it matters.

• Use “I” statements: “I feel anxious when we don’t talk for a few days. Can we find a routine that works for both of us?”

• Avoid blame, guilt-tripping, or testing your partner

  
  

4. Reflect Instead of React

Before acting on anxious impulses (like sending a string of texts), pause and ask:

• “What am I really feeling right now?”

• “Is this based on my fear or the current reality?”

• “How would my secure self respond?”

  
  

5. Consider Trauma Therapy or Inner Child Work

Anxious attachment often stems from early emotional wounds. Working with a therapist can help uncover the root cause and build healthier relationship patterns.

Healing Avoidant Attachment: Tips for Becoming More Secure

Avoidantly attached individuals need to work on increasing emotional tolerance, allowing vulnerability, and re-learning that connection doesn’t equal danger.

1. Acknowledge the Fear Behind the Distance

Avoidant individuals often fear being hurt, controlled, or engulfed—so they push people away. Recognizing this is the first step toward healing.

• Journal or talk with a therapist about your fears around intimacy

• Ask yourself: “What am I protecting myself from?”

  
  

2. Practice Emotional Expression

Start small by identifying and expressing your feelings more often—even if it’s uncomfortable.

• Use feeling words like “I felt frustrated,” “I was disappointed,” or “I need time to think”

• Write letters or notes if verbal expression feels too hard at first

  
  

3. Allow Yourself to Depend (A Little)

Challenge the belief that independence equals strength and dependence equals weakness.

• Ask for help with small things

• Let others be there for you without guilt

• Remind yourself: needing connection is human, not a flaw

  
  

4. Stay Present During Conflict

Avoidants tend to shut down when emotions run high. Instead, try to stay grounded and engaged.

• Take a break if needed—but commit to returning to the conversation

• Use grounding techniques like deep breathing or holding something tactile

• Practice active listening without planning your exit

  
  

5. Challenge the “Perfect Relationship” Ideal

Avoidant people often push partners away because no one ever feels “right” or “safe enough.”

• Reflect on unrealistic standards or deal-breakers

• Ask: “Am I pulling away because of them—or because closeness feels scary?”

Whether you lean anxious or avoidant, the key to change is conscious, consistent practice. Healing your attachment style doesn’t mean becoming perfect—it means becoming aware, emotionally present, and more secure in your connections.

A Secure Attachment Looks Like:

• Comfort with closeness and independence

• Clear communication of needs and feelings

• Trusting others without fear of abandonment or engulfment

• Managing conflict with emotional regulation and empathy

You may not have chosen the attachment style you developed in childhood—but you can choose how you grow from it.

For more tips, please check out our other tips here: https://www.plantationcounseling.com/blog). You can always find us at 954-903-1676 for counseling services.